Monkey Business

In St. Paul’s day, there was a statue to an unknown god that people must have worshiped in case there was one they overlooked.  I can resonate to that, only I’m thinking of worry, not worship.  The second time I went to the dermatologist, he told me ahead of time that he would do a full body scan the next time.  I thought I knew what was coming, so I didn’t worry about it.  I should have set aside some serious time to worry.  I assumed (and we all know one should not assume) that I’d take off ALL my clothes, every last stitch, and put on a very inadequate paper gown. 

The day came that I hadn’t worried about.  The nurse guided me to an examination room, handed me the aforementioned skimpy covering and said something that caused a deer in the headlights expression to cross my face.

She said, “Take everything off EXCEPT your underwear.”

Oh!  My goodness!  What do I do now?  Am I wearing holey underwear?  Please tell me I didn’t pick out the Halloween pair this morning.  Walmart tricked me with that one.  In a package of three they covered the orange pair with one each of green and beige.  I wear the orange ones only when all the others are in the wash, and there is no other choice.  Come to think of it, the green and beige ones are long gone, washed and worn out ages ago.  Getting dressed in the dark, there is no telling what I might have carelessly slapped on my body.  Am I wearing one that has runs in it and looks like a reject from the hosiery drawer?  Go on, nurse.  Let’s get this over with.  Oh.  Whew!  No holes, no strings, no runs.  I’ve been saved from total embarrassment. 

That happened a year or two ago, but you can tell the memory is as fresh as a spring breeze.  The appointment I kept Thursday was made about eight months ago.  They said at the time that they’d do another body scan, so I carefully remembered that and worried accordingly.  What was there to worry about this time?  I’ll tell you.  Avoiding holes and runs was a given.  Making the choice from the best underwear in the drawer was nerve wracking.  What if you chose something Victoria would keep a secret?  The doctor is young and quite good looking.  Go a little too lacy or a bit skimpy and you’d look like a tart ready to flirt and go into high gear.  Err on the conservative side, and you’d look like a novice headed for the nunnery.  I must have made the right choice, because the dermatologist obviously had eyes only for unusual bumps on my skin.  His diligence was rewarded.  He marked a tiny spot on my back with parentheses of indelible ink, took a digital photo of it and showed it to me. 

I ended up feeling like a monkey.  I don’t remember that he did it before, but this time he examined my scalp.  If he were looking for lice, that would be nit hunting if not nit-picking.  His fingers walked intently through my hair, and all I could think of was one monkey grooming another, only I was perched on an exam table, not a tree.  Thank goodness I resisted the urge to make monkey sounds and swing off the table!

a.m.

Hats!

I grew up in a society that decreed a woman should wear a hat to church and to afternoon parties.  Maybe we were supposed to wear them to weddings, too, but I wasn’t invited to any.  50 years later it’s rare to see a hat.  Gail in our church wears one to services, as does Joann.  That’s roughly 2 out of 200 people.  Hats are still in across the sea, as shown on TV at Kate and William’s royal wedding in Westminster Abbey.  I don’t think I saw a single woman without something decorative on her head.  The commentators mentioned several designers of women’s dresses and a couple of hat designers, but they reserved their criticism for hats.  It seemed to be open season for taking a shot at hats.  It doesn’t seem fair.  Not a single comment was made about men’s wear, other than to say what regiment a uniform came from.  No man’s tie, shoes or cuff links got a mention.  Why did all the women agree to perch hats on their heads?  Decorative hats are totally useless except for blocking the view of people behind you.  Well, there were a few with feathers that could have been used for tickling someone, but surely that would be frowned on in church.  The Muslim women didn’t have a choice, but at least their head coverings matched their clothing.

I could accept the little hats that said, “I’m sitting here on this head because they wouldn’t let my owner into the wedding without it.”

The cardinal’s hat said, “I’m good for keeping this bald head slightly warm.”

The hats of Prince Andrew’s daughters stated, “We’re here to make these young ladies look totally ridiculous.  One of us is the color and shape of a raw pretzel.  The other is not big enough to hide a bad hair day.”

The top hats had nothing to say.  They were merely carried, never seen on anyone’s head.  Talk about being totally useless!!!

Did you see the wife of a well-known soccer player?  Her little round black hat, worn totally on her forehead, was almost low enough to double as an eye patch.  She was evidently quite worried about it, because she never cracked a smile the whole time the camera was aimed at her.  There was another bright blue hat in the shape of a canoe that looked like it was going to land on the wearer’s nose.  Camilla’s headgear appeared to be a bowl helmet with a brim.  The bride’s mother looked like her hat aimed at the top of her head, but got stuck on the side with superglue.  Several women were wearing saucers molded flat against their hair.  There were little airy things that pretended to be fake birds, hopefully house trained.  Several hats were HUGE.  I presume the women under them used directional signals so their pew-mates wouldn’t be wiped out if they turned their heads.  If a rushing Pentecostal wind had arisen, they would have been lifted right up to the high ceiling and pinned there.  I saw several dark hats that, if they were moving across the floor, I would attack with a broom – much akin to nasty varmints.  Heaven only knows how some of those creations stayed on.  I remember having hat pins that could double as miniature swords -- protection from a fierce attacker, presumably.  The pins were dangerous to the wearer, as well.  If you missed, you might puncture your skull and have brains leaking out under your hat.  Maybe that’s why some hats were so tight, to contain the seepage.  Frankly, I’m glad to be done with all that silly business.  I do have other, more important things to think about.  For instance, if I were a milliner in England, I would worry that America’s hatlessness would become the rage in England.

One of the last times I wore a hat.