Hats!

I grew up in a society that decreed a woman should wear a hat to church and to afternoon parties.  Maybe we were supposed to wear them to weddings, too, but I wasn’t invited to any.  50 years later it’s rare to see a hat.  Gail in our church wears one to services, as does Joann.  That’s roughly 2 out of 200 people.  Hats are still in across the sea, as shown on TV at Kate and William’s royal wedding in Westminster Abbey.  I don’t think I saw a single woman without something decorative on her head.  The commentators mentioned several designers of women’s dresses and a couple of hat designers, but they reserved their criticism for hats.  It seemed to be open season for taking a shot at hats.  It doesn’t seem fair.  Not a single comment was made about men’s wear, other than to say what regiment a uniform came from.  No man’s tie, shoes or cuff links got a mention.  Why did all the women agree to perch hats on their heads?  Decorative hats are totally useless except for blocking the view of people behind you.  Well, there were a few with feathers that could have been used for tickling someone, but surely that would be frowned on in church.  The Muslim women didn’t have a choice, but at least their head coverings matched their clothing.

I could accept the little hats that said, “I’m sitting here on this head because they wouldn’t let my owner into the wedding without it.”

The cardinal’s hat said, “I’m good for keeping this bald head slightly warm.”

The hats of Prince Andrew’s daughters stated, “We’re here to make these young ladies look totally ridiculous.  One of us is the color and shape of a raw pretzel.  The other is not big enough to hide a bad hair day.”

The top hats had nothing to say.  They were merely carried, never seen on anyone’s head.  Talk about being totally useless!!!

Did you see the wife of a well-known soccer player?  Her little round black hat, worn totally on her forehead, was almost low enough to double as an eye patch.  She was evidently quite worried about it, because she never cracked a smile the whole time the camera was aimed at her.  There was another bright blue hat in the shape of a canoe that looked like it was going to land on the wearer’s nose.  Camilla’s headgear appeared to be a bowl helmet with a brim.  The bride’s mother looked like her hat aimed at the top of her head, but got stuck on the side with superglue.  Several women were wearing saucers molded flat against their hair.  There were little airy things that pretended to be fake birds, hopefully house trained.  Several hats were HUGE.  I presume the women under them used directional signals so their pew-mates wouldn’t be wiped out if they turned their heads.  If a rushing Pentecostal wind had arisen, they would have been lifted right up to the high ceiling and pinned there.  I saw several dark hats that, if they were moving across the floor, I would attack with a broom – much akin to nasty varmints.  Heaven only knows how some of those creations stayed on.  I remember having hat pins that could double as miniature swords -- protection from a fierce attacker, presumably.  The pins were dangerous to the wearer, as well.  If you missed, you might puncture your skull and have brains leaking out under your hat.  Maybe that’s why some hats were so tight, to contain the seepage.  Frankly, I’m glad to be done with all that silly business.  I do have other, more important things to think about.  For instance, if I were a milliner in England, I would worry that America’s hatlessness would become the rage in England.

One of the last times I wore a hat.