Handicap for Dining

It’s a well known fact that husband John eats faster than I do -- always has and probably always will.  He teases about it, saying things like, “If you had started five minutes ago, I’d still beat you” or “Think I have time for a nap before you finish?”

I ignore the ribbing, knowing we both like to eat at our preferred speeds.  I have no need to finish a meal before the house could burn down, and he might be afraid of going to sleep in his plate if he kept pace with me.  Of course, right now he has a real advantage.  He has more teeth than I do.  I have a hunch he eats twice as fast as I do; therefore, we should be able to finish a meal at the same time if I started earlier.  The trick would be to estimate my time before saying grace.  Come to think of it, he can pray faster than I can, too.  If he has his mind on going somewhere, he zips through his prayer as quickly as I say my three-syllable Tennessee Amen (Ah-me-in).

I can see, the way this is going, that choosing a start time would not be a simple 2:1 ratio.  Speed could depend on the menu.  For instance, I have made a small bowl of ice cream last three or four times as long as he did.  Forget tough meat.  I can chew a bite interminably while his goes down whole – five chomps and a gulp. 

Timing a dinner party might be a bit easier, since people tend to be on their good behavior.  There shouldn’t be racers and dawdlers.  Here is my plan.  When guests have removed their wraps, they will be handed a Ritz cracker and shown the timer starting.  Swallow time will be entered into a computer program devised by my math happy relatives, and all will be assigned their handicap for the evening.  This will allow for short term variables, such as having a lingering cough, keeping a recent appointment with the dentist, or wearing clothes that are too tight.  With cell phones visible on the table, all will know what time to start eating each course.  Social pressure should also keep texting at a minimum.  Conversation should flow easily, since the faster eaters will be alert and not too sleepy from having over indulged ahead of everyone else.  Anybody want to volunteer for a practice run?